Bullies, Player Safety, and The Lamb Coach.

The Coaching Chronicles: Game 7

Last night I found myself tossing and turning for the first time in my life after coaching a game. In my 26 year coaching career, I believed that I had been exposed to it all and there wasn’t anything I hadn’t seen yet. I was wrong. I have had the unique pleasure of serving under some pretty amazing head coaches in my different sports, and I also had what people would call “experience”, serving under some jackwaggons as well.

In general, I have identified some different style coaches that we all see on the sidelines of any sport. First, the “New Coach” – there are many renditions of this coach, where they are too hot for themselves because now they are the one in charge and need exert their dominance over the team. This type of coach tends to yell a lot and can be very unreasonable, because of their experience, don’t see the whole game yet. I experienced this as an athlete of Taekwondo which manifested from my Taekwondo Master that was a “ruthless monster buttmuch a-hole” who used punitive style coaching to get results. Loud belittling voice, demeaning nature, and did not understand the concept of food, water, and sports nutrition to say the least. I remember these crazy ridiculous training sessions in preparation for tournament fights where we would go hours upon hours without water or any other substance and use force in order to make us “stronger”. In today’s coaching model, every knows this as abuse. But when we we younger and wanted to Win At All Costs, so we just shut up and took it. I told myself I would never be this coach.

Another coaching phase we see is the “Almost Coach” – where they know a lot about the sport they coach, but can’t handle the demands of what comes with the job overall. Dealing with athletes, other coaches, parents, schedules, equipments, their own coaching staff, or any other things that goes beyond the coaching action and philosophy. This style of coach also seems emotional in games, where things break down and they have difficulty reseting and using their talents for their team’s benefit. It seems like they almost have it, but then they fall a part somewhere in the fray of things. There is a lot of burn out here because the “Almost Coach” feels lonely at times, where they can’t count on anyone but themselves and haven’t developed rapport with those around them to build a team, and instead revert back to trusting themselves only. In this phase, when the job of coaching becomes too much for the individual, certain aspects fall victim to the instability of the displayed emotions. It can happen at any time – in a game, individually with a player where the coach makes a snide comment towards another player or person showing lack of control.

The “BK” Coach… “BK… have it your way!” This style of coach has no backbone and bends to the ebb and flow of the current social trends, whether that be the parents, admin, or organizational leadership. In this case, everyone loses. From an outside perspective, they look brilliant at inter-personal relationships because they seem to listen and externally focus on everyone’s needs, but will look to protect their own assets at all costs. Somehow this slimy style coaching is hard to see because they have strong social skills. They always find a way to keep moving forward into different positions and so on. In my opinion, I really despise this style because they purport a certain focus or mission in which they want to accomplish, and when it comes down to the thick of things, the way they act when it matters most probably doesn’t match what you entrusted them to lead with in the first place.

The “Loser” Coach. This style is so easy to see because you can’t stand them. It’s not because they lose games, it due to the qualities that make normal person with morals queasy. You would think this coach is extinct, but we as human continue to allow this style to flourish in our sports which absolutely makes me wonder “Why are we complicit to this type of Coach? When do we stand up and say NO MORE?”

The “Experienced” Coach. This style is a great coach. This is usually someone that is older, has experience, is gentle minded, and has some type of Championship Pedigree. I didn’t classify this as the perfect coach, because there are things this leader can do to supplement their growth – more games, more championships, more successful athletes that the coach has produced, positive feedback from others and the community at large, to name a few.

The “Lamb” Coach – The Greatest Serving Coach of All Time… not towards themselves but the ones that they serve. This coach is someone who has probably experienced or seen all the other coaches. These are the ones where they have learned from their mistakes, they have self reflected, they probably have a number of high number of failures plus a high number of successes, they have super strong interpersonal relation abilities, can relate to their athletes in any generation and find their needs, has been to the Top of The Mountain and fallen back down to journey back to the Summit Again… then again… and then again because they can. After all of this, they continue to research, read, participate in developing themselves by learning from others. They don’t get fulfillment in the amount of games they win and the championships they are associated with, but they find their joy and purpose by helping those they serve experience the beauty of true victory by doing it the right way. From an outside perspective, these coaches are misunderstood. People can’t quite grasp “why” or “how” or don’t really “want” to do the things necessary to achieve this status. People want to be the “GOAT” coach. Personally, I do not want to be the Goat Coach. The Goat Coach stands for someone who identifies as the individual greatest of all time. Our society over uses this word and its use has become a social phenomenon when applying status to one’s elite ability. Personally, I want to be the Lamb Coach. Two different animals. The goat represents oneself ability to be the best. The lamb supercedes the goat because it goes beyond oneself, beyond the accolades, beyond the championships and prestige that status brings and completely gives it back to those that the lamb serves. This “Lamb Mentality” graciously gives it back so others can be the goat, all because someone is there to model it and gives it genuinely as a gift. The Lamb Coach sacrifices everything for the benefit and protection of their team, players, loved ones, and anyone they serve. It is the greatest version of coaching possible. This doesn’t mean that the coach doesn’t yell or do what others may raise an eyebrow to, because this style of coach uninterested in the lore that comes from having success, but will do everything in their power and influence to fight for what is right and share that with those they are responsible for.

In the evolution of sports, our social expectations and what we believe we are entitled to as a coach, parent, athlete, or living being is skewed. Our behaviors have shifted in this process, and it is extremely concerning. So concerning that it affected my beautiful sleep last night as I mentioned at the beginning. Over the years, I have learned to let go of things I cannot control and tried to really model this with others. That’s because when we look at the things I can control, I am going to work relentlessly at making sure we do it right. Last night, my football team earned a spot in the Playoff Semifinals of my Church League. We lost our first game of the season to the brutal over powering team which ended up being the number one ranked team this season. Flash forward two months to last night. We were matched up against this team again for our chance to go to the Championship Game next week. In our league, we are a Junior High League and have certain “Flag Football” rules that are house rules, but are written for everyone to follow at the beginning of the season. What we experienced in our first game, seemed like a “really physical” game to start the season. We ended up losing by 23 points then, but we spent the next two months training for the our rematch. We honestly thought we would see them in the Championship Game, but the way seeding occurred, we would see them in the semifinals if we earned that spot throughout the playoffs.

My personality is loud and outgoing, but my coaching style is a “sleek battle tested version of what looks like John Wooden’s twin”. (These are not my words and/or own opinions but this is the quote from our school’s psychologist who spent a year watching our sports teams I coached at school this past year.). This actually is not the first time someone has used his name and my name in the same sentence, who I call one of the greatest Lamb Coaches. I actually hear it a lot, and while I say this to all of you reading, I am not John Wooden’s twin… far from it, but I have read all his books and identify heavily with his philosophy and style. If you would have witnessed our game last night with 2:09 seconds left, you probably would not have made that comparison. You would have seen a loud voiced man pleading (or raising his voice) at the referee because it was the fourth time in the game that one of his players had been suckered-punch in the face and there was a “no call”. I nearly lost my mind. The aggression started early in the game where there was a questionable pass interference call. While I kept my mouth shut and allowed the referee to do his job, the parents were absolutely livid on our sidelines. The referee went to pick up the football on the ground after that play was broken up, (and near the end of play action) one of the other players from the other team stood over the receiver who had been knocked to the ground, and as our player was getting up, SHOVED him back to the ground. I saw the whole thing, and the referee did absolutely nothing. While this all happened in lightening speed because the game moves fast, I started pleading with the ref about the situation and he said he did not see it and kept walking away. I thought mind was going to explode.

Throughout the game, there were multiple instances like this. I do not need to mention every single one of them, but the Lamb Coach in me, knew that any referee would not respond well if I blasted the referee. So just like in all other sports, I stayed on the sidelines and asked the ref to please look at this and be aware. I had four separate controlled professional conversations like this during the night, before the preverbal poop hit the fan. At one point, the other team knew they could get away with it and actually started targeting my team’s players.

We have a huge mess here… I have parents that are about run on to the field, I have players on team getting punched directly in the face in their nose and mouth on cheap shots, and I have a referee that is absolutely doing nothing… seriously the world is burning here. At that point I made sure that the ref and everyone around could hear me speaking to the ref. He turned around to me and said, “That’s enough.” I can’t even believe what I am hearing. He is going to speak to me like that after allowing broken Player Safety and not say anything. What is wrong with this situation?

I have never second guessed myself so much in my career… should I make a stink about this? Should I go on the field and argue? I chose not to do either, because this was for the championship and tried to encourage my players to overcome the uncontrollables. We were the first team to put a fight up against this team this season in the manner we did. They were undefeated, and here we are – we have this team on their heels with a Tied Game 49-49 with a little over 2 mins left. With 2:09 left, the referee openly makes a mistake in the game. While I could spend another ten pages describing the situation, the gist is that he set the ball for play and per the rule book once the ball is set, the offense is cleared to play. The ball snapped, and the ref threw a flag, the play continued and then as our team was scoring a touchdown and crossing the goal line within the next few seconds, he starts waving his hands, takes the ball away from the kid, and then goes back to the line of scrimmage and penalizing our team with a five yard penalty walking it back to the new line of scrimmage. Everyone was absolutely confused. I asked him what happened and he said, “I wasn’t ready.” I asked, “So you are penalizing my team???” You are taking away a touchdown.” His response was the play was over, it was a dead ball play.” I was like “WHAT??????” I told him, “You didn’t blow your whistle to stop the play!” He said, “I don’t have to.” My head exploded. Everyone knows that you play to the whistle, and the referee is completely in control of this. We went back and forth in a heated discussion about football rules. Then the other coach makes a comment and the clock is running, when it should be a deadball timeout. Our clock went from 2:08 to 1:38, and he did not stop the clock. Offense controls the play, and I asked him to give us our time back since he was talking to other people and he looked at me and pointed his finger at me and yelled, “No I will not.”

I am very emotionally disturbed right now thinking about this. What if I was to tell you this was a CHURCH FOOTBALL LEAGUE? What if I was tell you that the person who was the referee was the CHURCH’S SPORTS DIRECTOR, and the other coach on the other side side of the field was the FOOTBALL LEAGUE DIRECTOR? How does that make you feel right now? I have learned in all of my years to be polite, keep my mouth shut about performance calls in a game, and other little nuances that builds people to become better coaches. I also learned that the actual time you do speak up is when Player Safety is an issue. Last night I spoke up several times about players’ safety and was ignored. At this point, I could care less about the score, and hopefully someone would do the right thing. I am not sure having the referee point his finger at me was the right thing. This season, I have seen him get emotional with calls in a game. I have had to experience that, and it took every ounce of self control in my body to withstand his physical challenge in which he did at that moment. Someone has to model behavior the correct way, and you know what I did… I submitted. Within the next 30 seconds in the malee of confusion, the other team got the ball and scored 56-49. I realized I needed to help my kids, because they were looking for someone to lean on. I tried to defend them with the rules in the physical play with no avail. I tried to reason in their defense, with no avail. I had so many people including my wife who is not an emotional person say, it was almost like they thought our game was going to be a cake walk, from the start and when we put up with them with them the way we did, it wasn’t what the “plan” was, and they were going to make sure the other team won, no matter what. She told this to me after the game because what I am about to tell you next will blow anyone’s mind.

I have all of our timeouts left with 1:38 left for our team, we are driving down the field. Down by a touch down we get into scoring position again, and one of the the players on the other team punches one of our players again. It is like the fifth time… except this time the player who did came up to me skipping on my side line stuck his tongue out at me and started grinning and laughing in my face and says, “I got away with it again… ha ha ha… he ain’t gonna call it.” Then I started yelling at the ref, and said “Are you serious… you are going to let this happen? You aren’t gonna do anything about it???” The referee ignoring me continued, and I said, “Come one man, this ridiculous.” At the moment, he took the ball from the field and stepped towards me and said, “Game is over. That’s it.”

In my career, I have never had a game or match called. EVER. In my 10 League Championships, 2 CIF Titles, 2 State Championships, 2 National Championships, World Championship, and Olympic Silver Medal – and this doesn’t even include the games and championships I’ve lost over the years – I have never had a game like that, nor has it ever ended early. Honestly, I have no answers to what happened… only questions. I spent the next 40 minutes after the game meeting with my players and their families. The common concern was that they couldn’t believe the referee took away the opportunities of the kids at the end of the game like that… he just ended it one sided. They were appalled at his actions. My very first apology was I that am sorry could not have been a better coach for the kids and…. wait…

I started to apologize and every parent on me team stopped me mid sentence. Like I said earlier, I began second guessing what I should or could do. It really hurt my heart to disappoint my athletes. I never once argued or played victim to the score, or anything like that because we all knew which direction that game was heading. We had a real shot defeating that team and everyone saw what was coming. I thought because we as society see someone getting passionate about something, we think they are out of control maniac. I was trying to make right PLAYER SAFETY and that is where everything stemmed from. That is my red line. I will let go of other junk, but when a kid or of my athletes are put in unfair situation for safety, it is something that could effect their future and/or their lifetime is something was to go wrong. It is the right thing to do. Assuming a negative response from parents based on my abilities to control the game, I was corrected and given compliments instead. EVERY ONE OF THE PARENTS said the game became unsafe and what I was trying to do was appropriate and that the game was completely unfair. They had other choice things to say as well… but we don’t need to repeat that – these are church going people!

There are no answers here – only questions… Where are we at as society that we ignore someone crying out for injustice – in a game, in life, in a relationship? Is it because we are so tired of people complaining and we relegate it is as noise therefore taking no action? When we do identify something as wrong, why are we scared to put personal pride aside and make it right? When we do our job, why do let our interpersonal preferences prejudice the way we should do things correctly? When someone calls you on your mistake, why do we ignore it and continue the mistake? Is the old mindset of ignoring it and hoping it will go away really working in today’s culture? Why do we place our righteousness over someone else’s injustice and think it’s acceptable? By modeling these negative behaviors, aren’t we just perpetuating the next generation to do the same?

…I am scared to think that the world is filled with people who are oblivious to this or unwilling to see the bigger picture. This didn’t happen at some Professional Game, it didn’t happen at some Semi-pro game, it didn’t happen at a college level game, it didn’t happen at a high school level game; it happened at a Junior High Level CHURCH game… and that is what scares me the most. If this is where we preach the underlyings of faith, understanding, discernment, and forgiveness with our fellow man and we act like this – from leaders responsible for the message which is the root of what our humanity is born from, then what does this mean for our well being and existence as humans? What type of coach are truly trying to be in this world?

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Written By Chris Hulme ( aka – Coach Hulme ) #CoachHulme #ChrisHulme #TheHulme

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