Chapter 36
In my lifetime, I have been a part of many fights, games, competitions… you name it. We all start out thinking we are going to win. As a competitor and a coach, the preparation and careful intention of trying to control the outcome of the game is what we all strive for everytime we play. Unfortunately, as much as I have won, I have also lost. I would like to say that despite my good fortune of winning championships, there are some moments that just aren’t yours to have. We fear the word losing, and avoid it at all costs. It’s almost like we feel that society will look down on us or think of us having less value if we lose.
This conception may be the one that is the most misunderstood. Why do we fear this? Don’t we understand that losing, making mistakes, or having misfortune is the biggest opportunity giver for personal growth? We are human, so we feel a whole bunch of different emotions in response to losing. While I know I used a sports metaphor regarding losing, but I did so as a connector to what and how we feel in our everyday lives as well. Life is wonderfully rushed and complex, but some days are ridiculous where we feel like we are chasing everything under the sun to get through. But we “win” the day. Then there are these periods where it feels like a gut punch. This is where I want to exist for this explanation today, because I want to let you know it is okay “Taking the L”.
What do I mean by Taking The L? Sometimes, no matter how much you think you have your life together, life has a different opinion. For those that aren’t used to the ebb and flow, you have a difficult time understanding why and want to point blame, or question how come? These are normal emotions. But I feel there are a lot of people that are deeply affected further in other ways than just a bad day, and have some serious things happening in their life that they need to be courageous and strong with. Just as much as we lean into winning and succeeding, we need to understand how to exist successfully when things do not go our way. We should not imprison ourselves because things don’t go our way. We have a problem of holding on to things we just cannot control, and this is not healthy. While I would like to think we exist in a bubble, we don’t. Sometimes that bubble pops and leaves us trying to comprehend our struggles or problems. Even further, sometimes the bubble explodes and we are left in shambles trying to not only pick up the pieces, it leaves us frozen and scared to move forward. We have to overcome what society has negotiated with us over time as winning and losing, and revisit our understanding of oneself. We need to relearn how to reestablish healthy expectations of our emotions, mental health, and how we push through problems that come our way.
Losing should not be an identifier and define who you are. Life contains many moments, and we should not hold for too long ones that are meant to be temporary. Losing is temporary, not permanent. A loss is a loss, and we need to understand what didn’t go the way we planned, figure out how to use that information to break that cycle, and move forward in manner to promote ourselves in our own well being. For example, as a teacher, I find there are so many students that have been led to believe that error is a status and that it needs to be avoided. This creates this anxiety to avoid taking chances and living freely to explore. I find having the liberty and freedom to explore is so empowering. Giving permission to people to feel a certain way, to actually just being human is normalizing. There are people in our world that are putting these pressures on us to not, and these type of expectations are not healthy. When we allow the liberty to practice working through things instead of trying to meet a sociological demand, we develop ourselves to be stronger to emotionally and mentally cope when things don’t go the way we planned.
We are told to be happy, get over things quickly, and to generally be of good spirit. What happens if life says, “Not today”? What happens when life says “Tomorrow’s not looking better either?” When we think of temporary, we think in a momentary nature. Sometimes life doesn’t deal in temporary measures. Unfortunately, I am hinting at sustained loss where we need to battle through a period where life may be dumping on us with multiple losses. What do we do then? Personally, as joyful as I try to be, as much as a model of positivity I try to be – I too am human and face normal everyday sorrows and losses just like my fellow human. To be transparent, our family’s personal life has been with loss after loss after loss – almost to a level of fairy taleism. It’s almost unbelievable. Most recently, my mother in law who has lived with us for 15 years, in the last few years has been battling dementia. She hasn’t been going out with us or traveling with us because it has been difficult. Recently, she went to one of our family member’s house when we went out, where was going down the stairs, had a horrible unexpected fall, and subsequently tragically died. I don’t need to explain the finite details, but this has shattered our world and we are just barely picking up the pieces. We just had her memorial service this past weekend and our emotions and mental state are so raw. As if that wasn’t a huge life event, one of my closest friends, the kind of friend where our kids have grown up since birth, just told me this past week they have been diagnosed with Stage 3 Colon Cancer. We are devastated. Honestly, not sure if I have any tears left. As if the gut punch and right hook were not enough, my sister in law has been extremely sick. She developed sepsis, where the doctors needed to amputate her leg. The surgery did not go as planned. We raced out to see her in Las Vegas one last time. She died on Friday. I cannot make this stuff up. I already have been battling other secret issues, that we like to pretend don’t exist, but one of them was I was recently diagnosed with glaucoma in my left eye, and have been going through tests and treatment, but have been losing my vision so quickly, it is beyond frustrating. Had enough yet?
In the wake of all this, the losses keep adding up. Not done yet… This past year, my Mom, who I do not get to see as much as I want to because they live so far from us in Virginia, was diagnosed with Cancer. She had her kidney removed to prevent it from spreading. I wish I could be by her side all the way and to support her, but life has put itself in the way and boxed me out so to speak, because it moves on without a care or remorse. I feel like through the exchange of punches, this last uppercut has sat me down on the canvas. I hear the count to get up. I know so many people in this world have so many issues similar to mine where their world is spinning, everything is blurry, and you are in so much pain. I feel that pain along with you. I wish it was different. No matter whether I stay on the mat and lose, or get up and lose on score cards because I got knocked down; I think the focus we need to remember is no matter what, this is one match point in this window of our life – there will be many matches, games, and or life experiences throughout our lifetime. Whether you get up or stay down doesn’t really matter. Finishing the match one way or the other is what really matters, it may be that we win by Taking the L in this situation, because we persevere. Maybe we need to redefine what winning is, and have less focus on what we perceive ourselves as losing.
We win when: we say this is not going to crush me. We win when: we say this is not going to defeat me to a point where I give up. We win when: we accept that we need help. We win when: we understand life is going to knock us down, knock us out, and leave us for dead – but we deny it from doing so. We win when: we lose and use it as ammunition to continue and grow stronger from our struggles.
Do not fear Taking the L. When we perceive loss, based on the level, maybe we just need to reflect. Maybe we need to talk to a friend, parent, loved one, teacher, or coach to just self regulate our emotions. Maybe we need to actually seek help from those that are trained to help support us and rehabilitate us to our normal state. Maybe we need to look to the heaven’s and ask for God’s mercy and love. It’s okay to ask for help. It’s okay to lean on a loved one. I believe that we are incredibly stronger than we think we are. I believe that we are designed to serve a purpose, and no matter if we realize that purpose yet in life, that God will not deny us and he guides us through times such as these. As crazy as it seems, maybe Taking the L isn’t really losing, maybe it’s understanding how to win better under the circumstances, and to see that personal triumph through instances of defeat shows us how truly strong and powerful we really are.
This subject is extremely complex and complicated, but I have faith that our ability to sustain and learn through personal struggle can be an inspiration and model for others that may be going through the same things publicly or secretly. If you are struggling, and you feel compelled by what I am saying, I want you to reach out to someone. I want you to allow yourself to ask for someone to be close to you. Give yourself permission to seek support. It’ll change your life. No more Taking the L. Flip your script, no more fear, and start Expecting the W. You are so strong – you deserve to win. Each day is a new opportunity to seek personal victory, a new chance to overcome what you are going through. Being present, not giving up, and allowing yourself to recover, learn, and let go is the biggest step forward from taking your loss to expecting and creating a win far greater than you have ever experienced. You can do this every day of your life.
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Written By Chris Hulme ( aka – Coach Hulme ) #CoachHulme #ChrisHulme #TheHulme
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Coach Hulme 